Little boys are disgusting. It should be no surprise. Yet I am surprised each time I enter my bathroom. It often resembles the toilet scene from Trainspotting when Renton enters “the worst toilet in Scotland”: It is revolting. How hard is it to hit the bowl or flush the toilet? I don’t want to be […]
Father’s Day is done. We have been out for dinner. I’m knackered. I retreat to my bedroom and relax on the bed. It’s 7.30pm. I watch TV as the boys play loudly outside my room. I know I don’t have long before I am up and going through the bedtime routine. The ‘go to bed’ […]
There is nothing better than wrestling with my boys. They love it. As do I. Both of them are into American Wrestling (WWE), with characters like John Cena, The Big Show and The Undertaker. I took Max to see them when they came to town. It was great. They put on a brilliant show. We […]
“Maybe this blog should be written on the boat so your pre and post dive emotions comes across…” emails my friend, my blues brother, my old mate Jeremy, a couple of days before we leave for our adventure. Jer and I go back a long way. For about 30 + years we have been friends […]
I haven’t written in a while. I made a promise to myself when I started writing that it wouldn’t be forced. If I had something to say or a story to tell then it should flow naturally from me. I’m not articulate or well enough informed to jump in on political debates. I don’t know all […]
I am miserable. I can’t shake off the warmth of the sun and the taste of the cocktails from our recent overseas holiday. End of holiday blues. I realise it makes me sound like a wanker. Not everyone gets to go on an overseas holiday. I’ve been back 2 days. It is horribly cold and […]
Words to make your heart melt. However it can often feel like a real chore to lie down with your child at night. When you put your little one to bed – you want them to stay there. It is not hard to lie down with them. They love the security of it. But you […]
It was the biggest fucking thing I have ever seen. Hairy. 8 long legs. Silent. Still. Waiting. For. Me. I don’t know what kind it was. I don’t really care. It was so big I could see it’s eyes. I don’t use the word ‘hate’ much. But I hate spiders. Especially ones that are waiting […]
It has taken a few weeks to think rationally on the events of that evening, two weeks ago. The consequences of which are still unknown. It wasn’t my finest hour. But when I look back in the cold light of day, having put some distance between then and now, I would do exactly the same […]
Fucking footy cards. If I get asked to buy one more pack I could explode. Footy cards are the cause of 90% of the angst in our household. I hope the person that introduced them to Australia has girls not boys. If he had boys they would have all the cards they wanted. So I […]
Hey boys here’s a story that I want you to hear Come close while I tell you I want to be clear There was a time in mum’s life when she did not shout She did not get upset, lose the plot or pout Believe it or not she did not always say no. […]
I had a minor panic attack last weekend. I dropped one of my kids off at the wrong party and drove the other to the wrong sports ground for their football match. It never used to be like this. Up until a few weeks ago I could remember the various commitments my boys had. A […]
Running naked through the house is a nightly occurrence for both my boys. But for Zak, my 7 year old this tends to go hand in hand (no pun intended) with his regular one man puppetry of the penis routine. I tell him as he tugs and pulls at his little fella’ stretching it to within […]
Soccer and footy season is upon us. Mid-week training has started for my boys and there seems to be a pattern emerging. Last week, during training, my youngest celebrated a goal. Just a young kid wanting to copy his heroes on TV. He ran back to the centre jumping with joy and hugging his friends. […]
Tears, tantrums and an alarming wave of separation anxiety. This was just the vibe coming from the parents as the children boarded the bus. This morning my eldest went on school camp. Max is 8 and he is in year 3. It seems very young for 2 nights away but I guess the school knows […]
We had friends over for dinner recently. People we don’t see as often as we should. They have a new baby so it was nice to catch up. Dinner did not last long. Infact the whole evening was over by 7.30pm. We waved goodbye and as I closed the door it dawned on me like […]
All I want for my 40th birthday is an uninterrupted poo. I don’t want gifts. I don’t want a holiday. I don’t even need a card. Just 5 mins where someone is not running in to tell me something, calling out to ask me something, drying their hair or brushing their teeth in the same […]
It is wrong to get joy from other peoples misery. Except when you are out with friends and their kids are being naughty while yours are behaving. It happens all the time when you are parents – and it recently happened to us again in a restaurant when we were out with friends. What I […]
I’m confused. What is the etiquette with an X (kiss) at the end of an SMS or email. Do I put one. Do I not put one. If I don’t put one I am being rude. If I receive one should I reply with one. I’m not much of a general kisser so it’s a […]
With the thought of Madeleine McCann in my head I shut the door to the hotel room and walk out leaving my son alone for the evening. Stupid. Irresponsible. Naive. Foolish. Thoughtless. Dangerous. Incomprehensible. Reprehensible? Or Justified and defendable. Reasonable or at least supportable? Madeleine was 3. Max is 8. I left him on the […]
I have reached another milestone in my life. I’ve got my first proper adult condition. Gout. I’m not a big drinker, I exercise and I eat healthy. It is hereditary. A ‘gift’ from my Dad. They say a decent bout of gout is comparable to childbirth. In mid-chronic gout pain I would prefer to push […]
I injured a friend’s child not so long ago. I belted a soccer ball into his face from about 2m away. Meet The Fockers Style. But worse. This kid was wearing glasses. To add insult to ….well, injury….. there was blood. His dad, a doctor, thought I had burst his septum and caused some kind […]
It’s Saturday night. I am out. I am in a cool venue in Melbourne. I’m standing near the bar. My head gently nodding to the beat of the music. I feel good. I’m looking good. There’s a few cute girls at the bar checking me out. I glance over to my wife standing chatting to […]
There are a few genuinely scary moments in life when your body reacts to a near death experience. When you are aware of coming as close to death as you can without actually going there. When you think ” oh my god – I nearly died.” Or “that was so close to being a tragedy”. […]
I am having my own personal Groundhog Day at the moment. I wrote a poem about our daily life cycle 8 months ago called, A Day in The Life but a lot changes in 8 months of a child’s life and we seem to have moved on to more ‘mature’ repetitions. They say kids take you […]
I have a confession. I am an addict. It started a few years ago. Slowly at first. Just once or twice a day. But it wasn’t long till I starting needing more and more. Now I can’t get enough of it. I can’t put my finger on exactly when I knew I needed help. I […]
I didn’t see the car ahead. I turned too sharply. My car rolled 3 times. My children were in the back. This wasn’t me. It was a story a friend told me a few years ago. Thankfully, apart from the shock, everyone was physically fine. Once the ambulance and police had cleared the scene the […]
Sunday 7th April 2013. As the boys walked onto the hallowed turf of the Melbourne Cricket Ground, the MCG, the rain stopped, the clouds parted and the sun came out. 84,247 people stood up and cheered. This was the Ajax Auskickers. A young group of 6-12 year olds who took to the ground at the […]
I ask this question following yet another difficult and emotionally charged evening episode of “Putting the Boys to Bed”. It starts around 6.30pm. The witching hour as we used to call it. The boys have been fed and watered. They shower. Then they have a second shower – with soap this time. They do their […]
My friend called me last night in a panic. “I think I’ve just been scammed” he said. He tells me he has just received a call from Microsoft employee, John Smith. An Indian gentleman from Sydney. John is calling to tell my friend that he can see that his computer has a virus and is […]
I need to find out if other parents are having the same meal time issues. The boys are relatively good eaters. Like others of their age they are fairly fussy. They have a dislike for most fruit and veggies. They enjoy meat and some fish. They devour all manner of desert (as long as it […]
In Australia it is our summer holidays. We are currently into week 6 of an approx. 8 week school holiday. There is no beating around the bush. At this point in time I want to throttle my kids. I would sell them to any bidder. Their photos are ready to upload to Ebay. The first […]
I have an average memory. I struggle to remember jokes. I can’t recall specific periods of time. Large chunks of my childhood are missing. I forget details. I know it is all in there. When the memory pill is invented I will get it all back. Since my boys could talk they have always wanted […]
I was thinking about old TV programmes recently and decided to create a list of my favourite programmes, characters and presenters from my childhood in the UK. There are loads more but these are the ones that make me smile and think “oh yea, I forgot about that one….. “ Trev and Simon from Going […]
As the fall out of this unimaginable horror continues to fill the news I question whether it is ok for my boys to play with toy guns. The simple answer is no. It is not ok. But is it quite so straight forward? Today, in the light of the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre in […]
I lost Zak on Sunday. It wasn’t for long. But he was gone. There was a carnival in the park. Several hundred people milling around and one lost child. If you have ever lost a child in public you will know that even a few seconds is terrifying. I try not to make a habit […]
10 adults and 17 kids descended upon Warburton Caravan Park last weekend in what was a very memorable 2 nights of camping. In true Bear Grylls style we overcame river rapids, treacherous prickly things on the ground, searing temperatures, swarms of kamikaze insects and duck poo. It felt like I had been preparing for this […]
I knew this day would come. Like it or not my boys are at the burping stage. They have worked out how to do it and they are intrigued. For them it’s the gift that keeps on giving. My wife, Bec, hates it. I’ve tried to explain that burping for boys goes hand in hand […]
Next week I am going camping with 7 fathers and their children. Between 10 and 15 kids. I have no idea how it is going to go. It is the first time I have been camping with that many people. This is not my first camping trip. I have been taking my boys for the […]
“Dad, when I’m older do I call you Grandpa?” It was an innocent question from my youngest, Zak, followed by, “Dad, it’s hot in here. Can you turn on the hair conditioning?” 2 comments that put a smile on my face and inspired an idea. That was a year ago. This week a friend, Rod […]
