Really old nuns

Saturday morning. 630am. I’m up. Can’t sleep.

I move to the couch where one of my boys is already watching TV.

10 minutes later the other is awake.

A one-handed hurdle over the back of the couch and he is next to me.

It’s annoyingly impressive.

“Hi Dad,” he says with a smile, then cool as a cucumber, gesticulates with both hands towards his groin.

“morning wood” he beams. He could not be prouder.

It’s annoyingly impressive.

 

“Stop strumming it mate, it’s not a guitar.”

“Dad, how do I get rid of it.”

“Go for a pee”  

“Yea it worked”  he laughs walking back towards the couch.

We fist bump.

The eldest, seated further down the couch, has one hand down his pants and the other holding his ipad. 

The sight of seeing boys with hands down their pants, whilst relaxing on a couch, is not an uncommon sight for my wife.

I have explained, and I think she is now accepting of the fact, that this will never change.

It’s a bloke thing. It’s in our DNA. The cavemen did it to keep their hands warm. And now we do it for comfort.

When guys lie down on their beds. The blanket goes on top. The hand goes under. Cup. Twiddle. Fiddle. And not necessarily in that order. It’s not a sexual thing. It is an unconscious reassurance that everything is where it should be. It’s our pacifier.

Being a young boy approaching puberty is awkward and uncomfortable. Specifically, as I alluded to at the start of this blog, the unwanted random boner.

The unwanted random boner is the bane of any young boy’s life.

Boner in the car.

Boner in the classroom.

……………..watching tv, sitting with grandma, taking a walk, on the school bus, watching a movie, in the supermarket, looking at a magazine. It can happen any time. Anywhere. There is no warning.

It’s an awful right of passage that all boys go through.

Some days a young boy will believe that his chubby will stay with him forever. Panic can set in. Talk to your child. Reassure them this is normal. If they relax so can the rest of their body.

The cushion is a boy’s best friend during this period of their lives. Do not snatch if from them if they are holding it during a movie or The Bachelor.

A spare jumper or random piece of clothing carried in a schoolbag is also a good idea.

“Dad I can’t get out the car at the moment.” was a recent conversation I had.

“Why what’s wr..…….aaah. Gottya. No prob. Take your time” I grin and wink like I’ve got his back

“Really old nuns. Really old nuns. Really old nuns”  He starts chanting. I can’t believe my ears. I struggle to keep it together and burst out laughing.

“See. It worked. he says as he hops out the car.

The playground banter has certainly changed since my day.

However. The following morning I wake up a little later than usual. My wife is on her phone. I decide to take a leaf from my boy’s play book.

“Hi”. She looks over.

“morning wood “ I say with a wink and a nod as I pull the bed sheets off.

Without missing a beat she says, “Come any closer and I’ll chop that wood down”

I pause and close my eyes……

“Really old nuns. Really old nuns. Really old nuns……….”

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