Satellite TV

I’ve lost control. Again.

There are many triggers that bring me out of denial.

One being the inability to record a programme of my choosing.

“there is not enough memory to record.”

And so begins my quarterly purge of the Foxtel (satellite TV) planner section.

Whether it is Foxtel. Sky. Apple TV or any similar set top box that allows you to watch, record and play-back TV shows of your choosing I am sure we all have our stories.

There is list after list of children’s shows, cartoons, housewives of somewhere or other, lifestyle shows and inappropriate movies.

Some have been viewed, others have ‘failed’ to record and most have been hanging around unwatched for weeks.

So I press the yellow button and hit delete to the rhythm of Pink Floyd’s, Money……

SELECT-DELETE-CONFIRM-BACK-SELECT-DELETE-CONFIRM-BACK-SELECT-DELETE-CONFIRM-BACK-SELECT……………..

….coins falling, till ringing, guitar riffing….over and over until I lose concentration and have to start again.

Finally I clear the planner. Quite cathartic in itself. I am not a total prick so I leave a few shows on there.

Satisfied I record my programme. I use the series-link button and hit ‘lock’ in what I know is a futile attempt to protect the recording.

I preferred the old days when I just had to break the little bit of plastic on the back of the VHS tape. You couldn’t record over that without the use of some finely cut sellotape. And my boys would be too lazy to get up and do that.

But now, with the ease of a remote control,  my boys can reprogram the Pentagon from the comfort of their crumb laden couch.

They know how to change the channels on the Foxtel box and the TV unit itself. I’m still old school. I need the remote.

It is infuriating when I have the house to myself and the only thing missing from this perfect scenario is the remote control.

If the sides of the couch are clear, excluding some half chewed piece of something, you can be sure it will have fallen between the cracks and lodged itself in some other random location that only 2 scrawny TV hogs with wiry, bendy little arms could access.

I don’t know why I have satellite TV. It’s the same old story – it’s the same old thing. We originally subscribed for peace.

Not the religious or humanitarian type of peace but the peace and quiet that comes from all the kids channels.

Now with Ipads and phones I see them watching less and less.

So why the need for satellite TV?

Because anyone with children at the right age will tell you that it is IMPOSSIBLE to watch a YouTube clip on your iPad whilst flicking between games UNLESS the TV is on in the background.

“I’m watching it dad……i’m doing both”.

Which in a way leaves me proud.

Because it just goes to show that us boys can do more than one thing at once.

And I would record this moment for posterity.

If only I could find the fucking remote.

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