Skid marks

I can’t comment on little girls. But I know little boys. So when I tell you that little boys don’t wipe their bottoms properly I can only assume that little girls are the same.

Each night when I scoop up the scattered clothes from the bathroom floor a pair of lightly soiled underwear is usually waiting for me.

I generally recoil in a mix of disgust and amazement, firstly at the severity of the stain and secondly at the mental toughness required to walk around in that all day.

Safe handling methods depend on the extent of the elongated smear. Skids range in thickness from thin to meaty. Often the offending underpants are intertwined with the trousers which makes extraction a difficult affair.

The smell, while perfumy to the owner, is repugnant to the recipient.

So following a full risk assessment I decide tongs and a clothes peg are my personal protective equipment of choice.

To be fair to the little blighters they are sitting and running around for 8 hours a day, often in hot and sweaty conditions. There is no chance to change, shower or wash during school, so the occasional wet fart, dingleberry or cow patty is understandable. Little kids try and hold on for as long as they can before nipping the inevitable turtle head at the wrong time.

The 3pm itch just compounds this. The build-up of bottom muck just gets too much. The satisfaction levels reached from scratching an irritating butt itch can reach orgasmic proportions. It sends tingles down your spine. A discreet table corner or unsuspecting index finger can cause as much pleasure as a weekend away with the boys.

And don’t deny you have never taken a sneaky sniff following a scratch.

So. How to stop this?

  1. wash the butt crack properly
  2. teach proper wiping skills

A shower, you would think, would rid the body of the offending dag. Well it would if the soap went anywhere near the tochus.

A ‘spread em’ inspection post shower – yes I have watched too many reality Jail episodes – reveals an untouched derriere. The aggrieved child is then returned to the shower block.

We have taught them the basics of bum cleaning, but it is time for a refresher.

  1. finish before getting off the toilet
  2. prepare the paper in advance
  3. one square is not enough.
  4. repeat – one square is not enough
  5. Kids are generally scrunchers. Folding develops later in life. It is hard to break this instinctive technique.
  6. Caress don’t jab – fingers can break through paper.
  7. If the fingers do break through. Don’t. Show. Me.
  8. Repeat no. 6
  9. Wash, wash and wash hands again
  10. Dry your hands. On towel. Not shirt.

So the next time you see a nicotine stain in their pants remind them they are not Captain Underpants and a proper clean is required before every flush.

“It’s not just little kids that have this problem” my wife says walking towards the laundry with a clothes peg on her nose and tongs at the end of her extended arm.

“These are yours.”

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