It was the biggest fucking thing I have ever seen.

Hairy. 8 long legs. Silent. Still. Waiting. For. Me.

I don’t know what kind it was. I don’t really care. It was so big I could see it’s eyes.

I don’t use the word ‘hate’ much. But I hate spiders.

Especially ones that are waiting for me on the door handle.

From afar it would have looked like I had been electrocuted. I jumped back a mile. A girly scream may or may not have accompanied it.

I picked up what was left of my self-respect and called my boys. They needed to be aware of the dangers. This was to be a teaching experience.

They came running. The mixture of a loud thud, a high pitched cry from their dad followed by a very deep gravelly call out to come to me as I returned my voice to the manly pitch it should have been had their interest piqued.

I grabbed the nearest long implement from the laundry for protection.

 “stand back” I said as I held out a shielding arm with one hand. A feather duster in the other.

“This thing could be dangerous”

“oh my god” said Zak “it’s huge!”

Max started moving towards it to get a closer look. I sprung forward half tackling him away from the beast.

“Stay back. Stay back. Are you mad?” I exclaimed while pointing my feather duster menacingly at the poised arachnid.

He starts to laugh.

“There is nothing funny about this situation” I state.

“Look how big this mothu fu……” I stop myself in time. ”…..this creature is. You must never touch something like this. Always call your mum – I mean an adult.”

“it’s not real”

“Eh. What?”

“it’s not real. I got it at a party”. Max grinned. “Pranked you!!”

I wasn’t sure whether to believe him. It would not have been the first time my boys have tried to prank me.

As far as I was concerned this thing was real. Until the police arrived to give the all clear no-one was going near it.

My 7 year old was pushing hard against me to get to the spider.

“Ok. Ok hang on. I will double check……. i’m going in.” I said

I shuffled slowly towards the door handle. The hairy brown huntsman eyeballing me. Feather duster at the ready I got within touching distance.

Then Max screamed a blood curdling scream. For no reason.

I may have soiled myself a little.

I turn around and the two of them are pissing themselves laughing at me.

I continue my quest even less composed than I was. I nudge the spider off the handle and it falls to the ground with a dull plastic thud and bounces onto its back. Motionless and still in the same position I nudge it with my toes. Nothing. I move in for the touch. It is hairy. These things are so real these days. But it is fake. A novelty item.

I look at the two of them as Zak picks it up and puts it in his pocket and I promise them that revenge will be sweet.

Every few days I find that bloody spider on my chair, under my book, on the toilet seat.

So I’m off to the shops to buy a snake that will just tickle their toes as they jump into bed.

But I know they will find it and without saying a word leave it for me under my pillow.

Sometimes I bring these things on myself.

One thought on “Arachnophobia

  1. Love it! You remind me of a morning I stepped bleary eyed into the shower and found a massive rain spider on the same side of the glass shower screen with me. Eight years of Zoology training went out the window and there was certainly a girly scream….I can still feel that horror in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it….

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