DVD’s should come with a health warning….The Letter to my boys

Dear Max and Zak

It is with love that I give you this framed montage of all the DVD’s that you have acquired since you were born. There are many others that didn’t make it.

Looking at this will always remind me of the early years in your life. It will remind me how DVD’s were a constant source of both relief and angst.

One day, hopefully, you will be parents. Assuming DVD’s are still around you will experience the same levels of exasperation in trying to watch scratched DVD’s.

It would be remiss of me not to pass down some of the lessons learned so you may try and avoid the same mistakes with your own kids.

  1. Do not try to play the same scratched DVD over and over again. If it does not work the first time, it will not work the 2nd time. Your anger levels will spike each time you try,
  2. Scratches do not wipe off. Regardless of the manner in which you try.
  3. No amount of breath you breathe on a DVD will make it work better.
  4. Loading and ejecting, loading and ejecting does occasionally work. And it does feel good to have a win over the DVD player
  5. There will be a gut renching, rage filled tendency to rip the DVD player from the wall when it freezes after 10mins. Breathe. Remove DVD and file in the rubbish bin.
  6. Blaming your children for their inability to look after the DVD’s and explaining that this is why they do not work – is futile.
  7. A DVD should load immediately. Do not watch the “loading” icon for more than 30 seconds hoping it will load. It will not.
  8. The DVD player will stop working when you are most tired and in need of quiet time.
  9. DVD’s will find their way under the bed, down the heating ducts, out to the garden, into the car, the fridge and in toy boxes.
  10. It is possible to fit 6 DVD’s into the one, single DVD case.
  11. DVD’s and their boxes will never match. Accept this. Throw out the cases.
  12. Tomato sauce and margarine only wipe off within the first 48 hours.
  13. A DVD in the toilet will work again – if you decide to try.
  14. A scouring pad is not suitable for wiping off food products. See point 12
  15. Buy a cheap DVD player. You will go through several.
  16. It is possible to insert 3 DVD’s into the one single DVD slot.
  17. There is no specific tool good enough to remove multiple DVD’s. 2 knives are best. Whatever you use, please, unplug it first.
  18. Toast is meant to go in a toaster. You may need to explain this more than once.
  19. Teach your kids a DVD player is not a piggy bank.
  20. Kids like the previews. Do not fast forward.
  21. Kids will work out how to use the buttons on the remote control quicker than you will
  22. Kids will work out how to use the DVD player quicker than you will
  23. Trying to snap a DVD in your hand in anger may result in a cut hand

Good luck.

Dad xx

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